When Is It Too Old To Dream Wild?

As kids dreaming wild is always part of the package. Anything and everything was wild and possible. No task was too menial. We dreamed of being the silliest things just out of pure thoughts behind it. I once wanted to be a traffic police officer because I hated the way people drived in my city. I wanted to be a fashion designer because I had just learned how to draw human figures in school. I wanted to be a lawyer because it just looked fun. I wanted to be an astronaut because I loved the view that came with it. I wanted to be a writer for a magazine because it looked cool in a tv show I used to love. I wanted to be an actor because that way, I really could be it all. 

But when asked I always stuck to my safe zone of interior design. People expected a single answer every time because that is what showed some focus. And I for and long time thought so too. So, I let myself believe it and hid all my other wild ideas within me. But unlike many people, my changing career ideas still remain with me. Somehow I never got the memo that at a certain point you have got to focus on a single career and grow in it. When did it become okay to be singular? Does adulthood mean monogamy in career? 

Change is the one constant thing in our life. Our body, our friends, our environment, ourselves,  all of it and everything is constantly under transformation. One after the other. Though I admire and appreciate the people who have a single career path and flourish in it, I for one personally find it too stagnant for myself.  Or maybe I haven’t yet found my one true love. Or that is what others tell me.

Maybe there are many more out there who feel the same but are hiding it better than me. Maybe none of us are really in monogamy. We sure do choose to earn in one way but our life is more than that. We can be an artist and a business person.  We can be a lawyer and a swimmer. We can be a writer and a botanist. And many more ands. We don’t need to focus on jsut excelling on one thing and forget all our other wild dreams. Maybe we can just learn to enjoy it all. Maybe we can finally have it and all instead of having just that one. 

Monogamy is probably best left in relationships. 

Has Our Virtual World Become Our New Reality?

Last night, I found myself watching a beautiful film on the television. Though it wasn’t just the script or the actors or the direction or anything as such that captivated me, but the thoughts that it invoked in me. It made me question our own reality and how we’d be remembered as history.

The film is focused on two art historians (as I understand) who follow a path of exploration. The exploration of an unheard forbidden love between two 19th century poets. They trace the steps of their love through the secret letters they corresponded with; which got me thinking, what it would be like if someone traced my steps.

We are so engulfed in the digital world today that we would be traced by the memes we shared, or the the selfies we posted or the videos we made. We have put ourselves out there leaving very little mystery.

Though the fact is there is still mystery is us. There is a lot we don’t publicly share.  But we have put so much on show that a couple of centuries later we would have left no seeming mystery to the historians in the future. It is all recorded on the vast digital platform. That is, no lost journals or letters.

Their path and reason for exploration would be different. But what are we truly leaving behind? Though the correspondence between the lovers were a secret they did leave breadcrumbs in their known poetry. What are we leaving? What is the story that we are building? What questions would we awaken in the 23rd century?

Is the beauty in secrecy and mystery lost on us? 

Why I Left My Dream Job

Everybody has that one dream job in mind. A job when and if you land you know you’d be the happiest person in the world. Everything will finally fall into place and you’d finally feel content. If it is not a job it is probably a person or a place. There is always that point in our head which we know would be our point of joy. The point of high you’d never have a low point again. 

But unfortunately not everyone are lucky to have that point. Or when they reach it, it just doesn’t feel as right as you thought it would. I was in such a sticky mess. 
This was a job that I had dreamed of. Or rather the first dream stepping stone to that big job in mind. It was perfect. It was on paper the perfect job for me. The one I wanted. But it wasn’t all that I imagined. 

I worked for over 12 hours every day for 7 days a week. Though I never had a problem with that. What I had problem with was feeling useless. I managed to get only few days in my four months there when I actually felt useful or significant. Other times I felt like the lost kid brought into my parent’s workplace. And that wasn’t exactly a happy feeling. Though the occasional real work days made it all go away. I felt on top of the world at the end of those days.

But then came all way time where we had a break in our schedule and I wasn’t called in for a month.  I surprisingly still got paid for the month. But that month made me realise that the past 3 to 4 months have just been me getting paid to be present somewhere. And I didn’t like the sound of that.  Many envied that and wanted to get paid for nothing but I found it to be sad. 

I wasn’t exactly learning anything or growing in my skills. Though it felt great to be present on work. But I was just an ordinary spectator and never part of the team.  Maybe it was because I was new, but it just wasn’t a good feeling. After that one month break I finally called quits on it.

As I write this I miss my time there. But I also realise that it wasn’t a good place for me. It is like one of those boyfriends who you miss and still love but you know that they weren’t good for you. Even like drugs or alcohol, they were fun and nd you maybe miss them but they very obviously aren’t good for you. 

It was my dream job but not all dreams are good for you. 

Animals & Me

For the species that has the most developed brain, we are absolutely ruining each other and the rest of the world. We are becoming more socially awkward than ever and honestly enjoying our alone time. We are no more able to handle each other and have forgotten how to.

I am one of those people. I still don’t know how to connected with a human being. But I most definitely know how to connect with animals. I think it is mainly because it is the most effortless job. It doesn’t even feel like a job, it just happens. 

I have connected with many animals and insects but the problem is, I and my and to get too close to them. And that part of me never has been an problem. I connected with a house lizard, a dog and anot elephant this month. 
They truly listened to me and loved me with all my faults. The best part is, they chose to do that. It wasn’t forced on them or expected of them. They just did. And they made me forget them. 

I smiled, I cried, I shared my deepest thoughts and emotions with them and they listened. They didn’t judge or question or try to advice me otherwise. They just listened. I guess they knew that that is all I needed. I didn’t need answers or a conversations, I just needed a listener. They were there for me. 

They didn’t mind that I didn’t mingle with them or hugged them or fed them. They were just happy that I existed. They respected my fears and understood them and maintained theiron distance instead of forcing themselves on me. They did truly love me for who I am. And they were in all sense there for me.

Though doesn’t this just bother you? That you are not able to connect with your own kind anymore like that? Or maybe it is just me who is the balck sheep of this species. 

A Writer Unable to Express

You’d think an artist would be an expert in expressing. Well, I am here to break that glass wall for you.

I have never been good with expressing myself verbally. It could be because I never felt like I was being heard. Or it could also be because I was too afraid to get into an argument and fail at it terribly. Or actually, maybe it is because what little I did ask and say was shut down. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what the reason is or maybe there is not reason at all. Maybe this is just how I communicate. 

When I was a kid I was busy impressing my parents, that is what I had learned. I had learned that I am to obey and please them. And whenever I got them upset, I wrote letters apologising for who I am. Writing just gave me time to collect my thoughts and convey then in my own pace and way. I had spent too much time writting letters saying sorry for who I am.

Later my form of written expression transformed into diaries and now blogs. But what I am starting to realise is that all this has helped me but still failed to express my thoughts to others. My words were just being put into a Chinese whisper’s game. People are reading what I am saying but they are not completely grasping what I am screaming in between the lines of my life.

What I am also realising is that art has always been that. A peice of art has always been a form of expression by its artist and a platform for interpretation for the viewers. What ever I write, photograph, film or draw, anything I create or desigj is super imposed by layers of what you see and understand in it.

So, maybe I will never truly be able to express myself but I hope my work opens something for someone out there. 

The Conflict Between Body and Soul

During my low days, which are way too frequent now, the conflict between my body and soul is just a lot more intense. They just are never in sync. Though I doubt that many have reached that synchronised living. But to every individual everyone but themselves  have reached there. Though there are times when I do reach that sense of balance, though most of those times, that balanced line is way too low. Both my body and soul decide to just take a depression trip. 

What I have learned through the vast intensity of social networking these days is that even for the most embarrassing moments, you are not alone. There is someone out there on the other side of the planet, or maybe right next to you, who is just going through the exact same thing. But we live in our own eggshell thinking that no one gets us. I bet there is atleast one other person out there who has been through what I have been through this particular evening. This is not the first time, but it sure is the first time I am completely public about it. 

This fine evening I was asked by my grandmother to go lock up the compound gate of our house. She realised that it was about time that I stepped out of this man-made structure. I appreciated her attempt and decided to do it. I grabbed the lock and key and stepped out. 

It was dusk and there was a magical orange filter over everything around me. My body was recording this beautiful visual. I could feel my eyes widen and my body awaken as I could smell the flowers and trees after so long. I couldn’t remember the last time my body opened up to all its senses. I could feel my body float to cloud nine. 

Though,  this time my soul decided to be the party pooper and weighed itself even down to hell. I sensed it abandon my body and look at it dance from outside. The whole short walk through the front yard became a dreadful and joyous experience. 

The was a smile struggling to make its way out but the weight of my soul turned it into a frown. It is always said that you are not the body, you are the soul. But suddenly I felt like the rope in the tug of war between them. I felt like I was neither. Suddenly feeling rather insignificant to the world. 

Now, I know that I am not insignificant and that I have a lot of power and I can do so much for this world with mt great talents.  And many more such talks. But it is so hard to actually work on those when you can not get your body and soul to coexist for longer than a few days. And sometimes even few hours is a big trouble. 

For those out there who completely understand the nonsense I have written, I am sorry that you do. But hopefully we will get through it soon together. Maybe the whole point is not to get them to coexist and in fact rise about the tug of war and just ignore them. Yeah. Thats another nonsense talk. What ever helps, I hope we work it through. Good luck my fellow ropes. I hope we are able to stop contradicting our own emotions. 

3 Generations Under a Roof

You don’t need to be part of a joint family to know how stressful it gets to have more than 2 generations under the same roof. Family reunions do the trick. I have been in a reunion for nearly 2 months now. Don’t get me wrong, my family is great. But there is something called a little too much of family time. Especially after getting the taste of living alone.

There was a time when I wished for a joint family. But now I don’t think I am capable of handling even a nuclear one. One house with 3 generatioms for over a month, it really brings out the true you. And I do not mean that in the best way. 

Nothing you do would ever be right and if it is, then you are most definitely faking it. I really enjoy my alone time. Over the 23 years of my life it has become something of my comfort zone. True uninterrupted alone time is nowhere to be found these days, for me at least. They think that they are giving you your space, but they most definitely aren’t. Worst part is, you just don’t know how to explain it to them.

It really isn’t even their fault. They find being alone lonely. That’s just how they have been raised. But as families got smaller, the definition of being lonely changed too. The concept of me-time has turned into a necessity. 

All they want to talk about is job and studies, which gets really trying and rather annoying. I get that it is an important part of life but that is not all we live for. Life is too grand and beautiful to cut it so slim. I honestly find it disrespectful. But that talk is for another day. I have lost my interest in talking to them and sitting there and keeping up with a conversation to just please them isn’t something I want to do. It is disrespectful to them and me. So, I go off to my own world, to my own interests. 

But me being myself is something that they see as a form of anger. They think I am upset with them and hence not socialising. Well, people who really do know me would know that I am not such a big socialite. I do like being around people but just not always. I guess they don’t know me too well.

Apart from all that, I think the major problem of having different generations together is just that they are from different generations. It is possible,  but it is hard to actually have a lot in common and to expect that we should is rather stupid on our behalf. I don’t expect them to understand me and I don’t expect me to understand them completely either. But the thing about being the latest generation is that, you in a way are open to understand because you just know what it is like to be on the unwelcomed end.

They say they get you and they have been in your age, but that is just a silly statement. Let’s face it, they could have not been through the same as you have been. The technology, fashion, lifestyle, everything is absolutely different making me and them different from each other. 

If we just stop trying to figure each other out so much and just plainly let be, I guess we could live in more of a harmony. Or maybe that is my dreamy, optimistic self speaking. Maybe there is no solution and it is a vicious cycle and someday my children and grandchildren would be as annoyed at me as me.